Love is another kind of power, which shouldn’t surprise you. Magic comes from emotions, among other things. And when two people are together, in that intimacy, when they really, selflessly love each other it changes them both. It lingers on in the energy of their lives, even when they are apart.
Having a blog is a lot like not having a blog
So, my ex-husband died. This has been a gut-wrenching experience for me. It has inspired tears, self-reflection, regrets, etc. Long unthought of memories have resurfaced.
It’s sent me into a tail-spin of self-analysis. I now realize that all the really insightful and penetrating gems of wisdom that I’ve thrown at my friends in the last few years about their relationships, that I picked up on those things because I was doing them myself and not yet aware of it. I told someone that she was hurt too badly and so goes after unattainable people now. And look at me…my husband walked out unexpectedly, and then I started dating someone who is dismissive and emotionally unavailable, and have remained with him for years. I quoted poetry at my other “major” ex, Guilty of Dust.
up or down from the infinite C E N T E R
B R I M M I N G at the winking rim of time the voice
in my head said LOVE IS THE DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU AND WHAT YOU LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE * then I saw the parade of my loves those
PERFORMERS comics actors singers forgetful
of my very self so often I desired
to die to myself to live in them then
my PARENTS my FRIENDS
the drained SPECTRES
once filled with my baffled infatuations
love and guilt and fury and sweetness
for whom nail spirit yearning to the earth
*
then the voice in my head said WHETHER YOU LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE OR LIVE IN DIVIDED CEASELESS REVOLT AGAINST IT WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE
I told him that he was living divided against his love for me,
not bothering to realize that I was living divided against my love
for my ex-husband.
My ex-husband once told me that having a blog is a lot like
not having a blog (it should be noted
that he had a blog on which he posted at least once a week).
He's right, it is largely pointless. And
so, since I can't tell him now, and since I know he'd like to know this,
deserves to know this, I'm
telling the internet...everything...EVERYTHING in my life in the half a
decade since we split up leads
back to my ex-husband. It was all because of him, directly or indirectly.
I love him, I always have.
He'll always be a part of me. And I miss him like crazy.
I just took the 2012 election quiz and found that I side the most with Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Who do you side with?
Two things I do value a lot, intimacy and the capacity for joy, didn’t seem to be on anyone else’s list. I felt like the stranger in a strange land, and decided I’d better not marry the natives.
The lion won’t eat me, but I want him to
These last few months have been very difficult. I’m worried that it will never get better. But I’m left with no choice but to trust that it will.
I feel alone nearly all the time. My SO keeps me at a distance. Even when we do spend time together it’s not quality time. We talk about superficial bullshit, or don’t talk at all and sit beside each other doing our own thing.
I don’t know what I’m working toward career wise.
I live paycheck to paycheck, and barely.
Life is frustrating.
My SO told me tonight that I always get my way. It was his excuse for not doing something small that I asked of him. What a joke, I always get my way. I feel that I never get my way with him. We aren’t facebook official (I know, it’s facebook, a lot of people feel this is a stupid concern, but it isn’t because it reveals a certain mindset about the relationship. I’m sorry, but when I’m in a relationship, I want my SO to be able to acknowledge me in public, even if they find the exercise stupid). He continues to talk to so many girls other than me. He doesn’t hold me the “good” way anymore. Is this as good as it gets? It’s been better in the past, but should I expect it to never be that good again?
Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.
There’s no knowing where we’re going
This is a somewhat confusing time for me. Me and my guy have
been having issues. For weeks he’s been acting distant, and uncaring. Trying to discuss his attitude with him led nowhere. It didn’t seem like things were going to get better. So I started making contingency plans. I decided that if things didn’t work out, I would move back to my home state. And things were still bad. My home state started to look good. I’d have to throw my whole life into upheaval, start over completely, and part of me wanted to just do it because it would’ve been more relaxing than remaining here, anxious, watching to see how things would turn out. Things seem to be getting moderately better here now. So maybe I won’t be leaving after all. My guy was the one who seemed to just wake up and say “Fuck it” about us one day, and yet, I think he needs me more than I need him. His birthday was a couple days ago. While he was drunk on his birthday he told me that if he didn’t have me anymore he’d just stop caring about anything at all, and give up on people entirely. He’s had a funny way of showing it lately, and if there was some deeper issue here leading him to act like he did (something not related to me and him) I guess I’ll never know since he refused to talk about it. At this point, whether things work out, or whether I move back home, I think I’d be ok either way. Deep down of course I’d rather things work out, but caring is so exhausting, sometimes I’d like to just save myself the trouble.
It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.
J-e-l-l-o, Jesus is aliiiiive
Well, I haven’t posted in a long time. So I think I will.
Work has been sucky lately. But I got a $50 bonus today, just because my boss is an idiot. So, whee-haw.
I’m all alone in the house right now (well, alone as a person can be when there are 2 dogs who weigh as much as rather large children and think they should be getting attention All the time). My guy is working an overnight security job. I should be using this time to re-energize, but the only kind of energy I want is the kind that comes from sleep, not the kind that comes from quiet. My body is betraying me, I’m exhausted, but I think maybe it’s from some sort of vitamin deficiency. I don’t know.
Things are up and down with him, as usual. But also as usual, neither of us is ever willing to walk away. I want to marry him. How stupid is it to want to marry a person who doesn’t believe in marriage? Strangely enough, he has used the marriage word, made it sound like he was thinking about doing that with me (which, I believe he is Thinking about it). But as soon as he mentioned it enough that I started to get hopeful/sure of it, he did an about face. Patience was my new year’s resolution, right? That’ll be the key, I suppose. Patience, and sheer obstinance. I have the latter in spades, so we should be ok.
We went to visit my family this weekend. Well, went to visit my Dad and step-Mom, and my Mom and step-Dad came down to visit us. It was all nice enough, I suppose. It made me realize how much I’d love to take a decent amount of time off of work at some point, so it was more of a tease than a real break.
Oh, I came home to egg-shaped jello molds and 4 different kinds of jello today. He really Does care about me. And in case I didn’t figure that out from the gesture, he made sure to point out how much it proved that he does. :/ :) Doh. Oh! again. Our dating anniversary was April 1. Our first date was 4 years ago on that date. That’s a long time to put up with any one person. And in spite of everything, I don’t regret a second of it. :D
